I’ve been wanting to sit down and write an ‘update’ blog post for about a month now but I really just needed to emotionally and physically step away from all of it.
There are a lot of hard things to deal with when it comes to infertility but one of the hardest is the end of a cycle. Every cycle, especially with treatments, our hopes were high that this one would work, this one would be our miracle. I lived so many 2 weeks fighting between wanting this one to be it and not wanting to be completely devastated all while being so in-tune with my body that every twinge, every dream, every ‘sign’ gave me renewed hope or a crashing feeling of sadness.
After we learned our 8th and final round was yet another let down, my Dr. told us we’d need to stop with treatments for 3 months and then regroup and decide what we want to do moving forward. We were both crushed (and unbelievably scared) but in a weird way; freed. We needed this break, a break from Drs, appointments, bills (ugh the bills), meds, the hope, the letdown, all of it! It was also another chance to see what my body would do on it’s own and take a few months to ‘not think about it & relax’ as that seems to be the magic treatment for so many lucky ones!
This past month, though, I have found joy again. I lost it somewhere along the way. Of course, each day is different. Some days are just plain tough. When you want something as bad as we do, no matter how much you try not to think about it – you are thinking about it. I’ve realized what things around me trigger those feelings and know that if I can’t handle overcoming it, a good cry followed by ice cream, chocolate, or wine does wonders!
So in the mean time, we continue to sit in-waiting. It’s really a strange feeling as I look back on the last 2 years and see how fast they have gone and I see how many lives around me have changed and how stuck that makes me feel but even though the circumstances in my life haven’t changed – I have. A lot. And I am very thankful for that!
Lately, I have been loving (loving!) yoga. I attend a class about once a week at a yoga studio in town and when I leave there I feel like I’ve been at a spa all day long! We also are looking SO forward to our big trip we have coming up and have been putting a lot of focus on the anticipation and excitement for that. Hockey is also keeping us plenty busy. And of course the holidays! I’m also attempting to teach myself how to hand-letter.
I hope everyone had a fabulous Thanksgiving with lots of love surrounding you, I know we did! If there is anything I am especially thankful for this year it’s the people and love I have in my life!