When I was a runner, I use to love running hills – they did not come easy for me! I am motivated by personal challenges and I loved the struggle of picking up one foot up and placing it in front of the other while trying to catch my breath and the mental battle I had with myself the whole way up. The sense of accomplishment I felt after reaching the top made me feel unstoppable.
I started this blog to spread awareness about HA. I was 6 months into our infertility journey and a few months after officially ‘recovering’ from HA. I wanted to spread the word that there is such a thing as overdoing ‘healthy’. I wanted to be a friend for other women who struggle with amenorrhea and the battle of gaining weight and resting their bodies when their minds and past lifestyles are fighting against them. Unfortunately, HA was only the start of my journey and over a year of full recovery from HA, we are still without a baby of our own and are now titled under unexplained infertility.
In the past 20 months, I have changed my lifestyle, my body, my hobbies, the blogs I read and the people I follow. I have been let down by the hope that my recovery from HA would cure all. I have been awakened by the reality of not being able to do this on our own. I have faced fertility treatments and all that comes with them; the frequent appointments, financial burden, and the emotional toll on both me and my husband. I have taken breaks, let go of the control, and fought with myself to not stress over such a stressful situation. I have learned way more about the human reproductive system than I ever imagined possible and have a good idea of chances, probabilities, and plain luck when it comes to making a baby. I have shamefully questioned my faith and His plan but always continue to turn to Him with lots of prayer. I have experienced genuine happiness for those around me who are pregnant or new mothers and each time hope that it will lessen my pain, envy, sadness, emptiness, and all of the guilt that follows. I have ‘hidden’ people in my social world in order to get through a normal Monday without tears. I have cried coming out of a baseline ultrasound appointment because an excited, newly expecting mom, with ultrasound pictures in hand, phoned her family to share the news while she was sitting next to me in the waiting room. I have broken down on the walk to my car after sharing the elevator on the way out of the hospital with a soon-to-be mom and dad who excitedly chatted about seeing their little one after being told in my appointment I would need more invasive fertility treatments. I have felt more pregnant than a pregnant woman many months only to see another one-lined pregnancy test. I have felt broken and hopeless; but I always manage to get through it because someday it will all be so worth it.
This is the reality of it. It’s a life changer in so many good and bad ways. These moments I listed above were moments that made me; mini-chapters in my life that will make me a better, stronger, and more compassionate woman. We are that 1 in 6 that is battling infertility because we were chosen to have a different story; a story of struggle, strength, and hopefully triumph and I refuse to let my story go to waste!
“I know this season seems like it will never end. I know. I feel the weight of “what if.” But this season has a purpose, a gloriously redeeming purpose, and holding it in and hiding behind pain and fear and shame defeats that divine purpose.” -Join the Movement blog post written by Amanda from aroyaldaughter.com
Share your stories, spread support, find comfort in knowing that you are not alone and know that what you are feeling is completely normal even when it feels so horrible – even writing this post, I feel guilty and shameful for recalling moments throughout my journey when I felt weak, moments that challenge me every day, moments that may be very minimal compared to what others may be going through or to what my future may hold.
Everyone has their mountains they must climb in their lives and I will forever be compassionate towards others who long for something in life that is eminently out of their control. Let’s climb these mountains…