Loving Yourself

20 Jun

ImageThis past week the group of girls that I have come in contact with who are also struggling with HA have continued to discover that we have so many of the same personality traits…the same mindsets, the same goals, the same inner voices…if it’s true that somewhere in the world everyone has a twin, I think through having HA, I have found a whole group of my twins from all over the place who have come together because of this one hard, son-of-a-gun battle we are all having. Girls who, like me, with Type-A personalities. Always setting out goals and plans and doing everything in their power to control their success and achievements.

“Type A individuals are ambitious, rigidly organized, highly status conscious, can be sensitive, care for other people, are truthful, impatient, always try to help others, take on more than they can handle, want other people to get to the point, are proactive, and obsessed with time management” (Wikipedia).

Other than the organized part (except for when I was in school or at work)…my personality is definitely to thank for all of the good and bad in my life most definitely.

It was brought up in this group that we should share before pictures (our lowest weight) and afters (what we look like now during/after the battle of HA). I was hesitant to share my pictures but decided it all comes with the recovery progress and would be a really good exercise for me and the rest of the group.

And I am so glad I did. It was refreshing and eye opening to see one anothers’ photos. We talk and follow along with each others’ journeys and we constantly have ‘yes, head nodding’ moments about our thought processes and how we ended up having HA…the times where we thought we were being our healthiest self when really we weren’t healthy at all and this exercise of showing our befores and afters proved that.

The before picture I showed was from back in February. January was a month of some of my best running. I had a free month at the gym close by and went daily to run on the treadmill…breaking out record times, incline runs, and long distances…some all on the same day. I would leave there wiped but feeling on top of the world, stronger than ever. That was the month I was at my lowest weight and also the same month I realized this having a baby thing wasn’t as easy as I thought it was going to be. So I continued to beat out my stress on the treadmill.

The after picture that I posted was of me with my beautiful sister on her 30th birthday. Until I took a moment to compare the two pictures, I’ve never had such an awakening!

At my highest weight, marked by pictures on my happiest day of my life, my wedding, I had such a glow to me. I was truly happy! It was only a few months after that I decided to lose weight and fell in love with running…and a year after that that I got to my lowest weight. Throughout that year, specifically around December-February, any picture I took I hated how I looked. I lost that glow. I lost that smile I loved. BUT I had abs, I had arms, my thighs didn’t touch…I looked great, right?

No.

I didn’t. I may have been strong, and I may have been skinner than ever, but looking back and comparing my pictures of that time period in my life, I looked sick. I looked frail. I looked unhealthy. So all of the people who told me I had gotten too skinny and I just ignored them …they were all looking out for me. They were seeing what I was so blinded to see.

I had lost a good 15 more pounds at least after this picture was taken…

These women pointed out to me how beautiful a normal weight is. Perfection is seen behind that glow of a woman with curves, a woman who is healthy, an inner glow that shines outward and radiates through her smile. That’s what I have to focus on. I don’t need perfect abs or perfect arms, there’s more to life. My skewed vision of beauty was so wrong and I have realized this now and am focused on correcting it.

Loving yourself is definitely something that I feel like we could all work on and most definitely something I am working on. Striving to be something I’m not or to have an ideal of whatever it is society wants me to have will only get me down. With my recovery from HA, I have began to love myself again. I am me and that’s all I’ll ever be. I am given one life and I must live it to the fullest and love every minute of it so I don’t look back and have regrets.

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2 Responses to “Loving Yourself”

  1. heather1982 June 22, 2012 at 6:51 pm #

    let me just say how absolutely beautiful you looked on your wedding day. you truly had a glow about you and just wow! 🙂 i think, when we are at the weight we are supposed to be, we feel so good physically because our bodies are running as they should with the fuel they should, that it makes us glow. it is so evident in these pictures…and it the ones you shared on facebook. 🙂

    • ifgravityhappens June 25, 2012 at 12:30 pm #

      Heather – Thank you so much for such sweet comments!! ❤ I agree about the glow for sure! once we find that inner happiness it really truly does radiate out! Just sometimes those struggles in life are the ones that really show us that 🙂

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