Hanging by a thread

26 Jul

I haven’t touched on my journey towards having a baby in a while and with having kind of a bad week, struggling with so much confusion, overanalyzing, and disappointments, I thought today would be a good, therapeutic day for me to share some of my thoughts and feelings.

This week is the completion of our 7 months since starting to try for a baby. The first month I remember being so heartbroken when I didn’t have a period and had so many negative pregnancy tests. I remember going to the Dr. at the end of February and them telling me not to worry and to try and not to stress about it.

7 months later, I am still struggling, if not worse, as the stress just keeps building with the time thats passing. More friends have announced their pregnancies and the friends who were announcing their pregnancies when we first started trying are now having their little ones, sharing their joy with the world. I am extremely happy for them, but it’s killing me inside to want this so bad, more than anything we’ve ever wanted and there’s nothing I can do to get that now but wait.

I’ve gained the weight, gave up the exercise, got a rather long cycle back, and continue to try and not stress and let things be. It’s so much easier said than done as I think about this process multiple times throughout the day with all sorts of regrets and anxieties echoing inside. I have come to the point that all there is to do is wait, hope, and pray. I have made progress, I will get there some day soon enough.

If there’s any good that has come out of this struggle where I am at right now it would be to realize how many people around me could be going through their own struggles and challenges that I may or may not know about, and every single person has gone through something…I am not alone. I always try and remind myself that there are so many other challenges and heartbreak in life and this will seem so small some day.

I have met some amazing, strong women through this process of healing and I have an amazing family and husband who have been there for me through it all…but in the end, I have this inner battle with myself that goes between anger and hope and devastation and frustration.

I know I will get there some day and God’s plan doesn’t always match up with mine but this one, this one I had so much hope that it would…and someday it will.

But today all I have to hold on to is that the sun WILL come out soon enough, but for today I am alive, and I am thankful for that. I am thankful for so much in my life that appreciating that and living towards that helps to fill every part of my heart and overfill into the cracks and even seep into the small hole.

“You wake up every morning and ask yourself ‘What am I doing here anyway?’ With the weight of all those disappointments, whispering in your ear, You’re just barely hanging by a thread…you wanna scream but you’re down to your last breath and you don’t know it yet. Find the strength to rise above, you will…one day you will.” -Lady Antebellum One Day You Will

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2 Responses to “Hanging by a thread”

  1. Priscilla July 26, 2012 at 3:09 pm #

    That was beautifully written Mal 😉 I echo every word of your frustration and wish there was some way we could blink and be past this with our little one’s in our arms. You’re right, you WILL get there someday! I hope and pray that it’s very soon…breaks my heart to see you struggle like this. Luv ya hun ❤

    • ifgravityhappens July 27, 2012 at 5:33 pm #

      Thanks Priscilla. Part of that post was written from the pain I have seeing you go through what you are going through…we are in this together and will make sure to get each other through it together. ❤

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