HA Update: A Step in the Wrong Direction

17 Sep

I have a wonderful weekend to recap on and I plan to do so at some point this week but I need a venting session.

I am a person who once I have my mind set on something, I make it happen. The first year we were married, we both pictured having kids after we were married for a year or so and had some time to enjoy just being together. Last year, our anniversary rolled around and I was in my prime with running and we had just started talks about starting a family. September through December we talked more and more about a family and finished up some home remodeling that we wanted to accomplish before having a baby (we are both very big planners…) but the excitement grew and the decision was made to have a baby. Once that decision is made, your life changes.

My battle with hypothalamic amenorrhea has been a road block from that point on. So I gained the weight I needed to and stopped exercising when boom! my cycles returned. They were long, but consistent…

This cycle has been twisted to say the least. I’ve had a continuous fake-out for the past week and  a half bringing me to not even having a chance this cycle, yet (I’ve become friends with “yet” as it’s the little hope that’s left behind when nothing is working out). I am really at a loss. I had come to peace with all of it going in to this cycle. My stress levels were down way more than the last few cycles and I was finally trusting my body. For a person to just relax and let things happen when the time is right after 9 months of trying with only 3 chances, is almost impossible. I’ve trusted my body, I’ve turned my world upside down, gained weight, I’ve relaxed, and this was the time that my body failed me 3 cycles in to recovery.

I realize that we are young and that time is on our side. I realize that we haven’t been trying near as long as some people. And I realize that I have to stay as stress-free as possible right now (when someone can tell me how, I will forever worship them). But realizing that doesn’t make it any easier. Why does this have to be so hard for us to even have a CHANCE. Just a chance is all we’ve wanted and I’ve been at peace with having chances that don’t work out, but why when I start to really trust my body, it fails to even give us a chance.

There’s nothing I can do at this point except to focus on things other than my want for a baby so bad. I have an amazing support system that I have built around me right now – turning to them has helped more than they’ll ever know.


6 Responses to “HA Update: A Step in the Wrong Direction”

  1. Priscilla September 17, 2012 at 12:32 pm #

    Think of you lots right now and hoping that your body will finally give in and give you that chance you so deserve. You’ve done the work and now it’s your turn! 🙂 Stay strong and know that you have a lot of people that will always be here to bring you up when you are feeling down~xoxo

    • Mallory September 18, 2012 at 5:26 pm #

      Thank u sweets!! U have been an amazing friend!

  2. Karla September 17, 2012 at 6:41 pm #

    This is so frustrating!!! I totally agree that it’s the worst when you know you don’t even have a chance that month. It sounds like you’re doing a kick-butt job taking care of your body and making it healthy to house your blessing, which I totally believe is on its way for you! I know it’s hard, but try to remember that your body has been through a lot and it’s just now getting what it has needed for months. It will function consistently well as you continue to take care of it, but it totally does suck to have this happening!

    • Tara September 17, 2012 at 7:35 pm #

      So sorry you are feeling down sweets! You do deserve this and you will get this! Continue to surround yourself with friends and keep doing what your doing. Lots of love girl!

      • Mallory September 18, 2012 at 5:24 pm #

        Thank u Tara!!!! U r a tremondous help and a great friend!

    • Mallory September 18, 2012 at 5:25 pm #

      Thank u karla!! Lets hope both our bodies work themselves out soon!

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