HA Update: A Means to an End

25 Sep

I woke up this morning and for some reason, immediately started thinking about this past year. I will never forget 2012 as it’s been a year full of lots of tears and soul-searching and a year that forever changed me. And although the year is not over yet, it makes me sad all of the time that has been wasted.

Fortunately, I have been able to regain control of my life and realize things that needed to be realized. I have made some friendships I would never have made and forever will be thankful for my HA diagnosis.

But infertility is hard regardless of how many months or years go by, you are bound to get lost in the dust of the friends who get their happy endings and the feelings of guilt are still lingering.

This cycle was a complete bust. Nothing happened. And I’m not sure what I did to cause that or if it was even in my control. I went in to this cycle feeling at peace with my progress, thinking lots of positive thoughts, and having hope again. I trusted my body to do what it had done the past 2 times and was praying more than ever that the end of the road would be close.

40 days of waiting, high hopes, positive thinking, and disappointments led to my first anovulatory cycle since my recovery. I guess it goes to show that recovery doesn’t mean normal, recovery simply means, hang in there, it takes time.

The devastation of waiting those long days without even getting a chance is still crushing to me.

I was given a prescription for Provera to end this cycle and hopefully start another. The last time I was on this medication was 20 pounds ago and I did not respond. I have very high hopes that I will respond this time and that maybe; just maybe, it’ll give me at least a chance next cycle.

My Dr. also is no longer with the clinic I go to and so I am going back to my old nurse practitioner and I will meet with her in October.

Each month that goes by makes me a little stronger, but as soon as I start thinking too much and dwelling, that strength deteriorates a little and I must pull myself back together and go back to thinking about the positives in my life because I am fortunate to have so many.

This post is my goodbye letter to this last speed bump in my recovery. I am excited to start fresh and am hopeful that my body will continue to heal and work itself out.

I am no longer set 40 days behind; I am now 40 days closer to being a mom.

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7 Responses to “HA Update: A Means to an End”

  1. Lindsey September 25, 2012 at 11:37 am #

    Great post! I agree while I never saw it coming and it has been really tough 2012 has been a huge year for me in many ways. I have grown more as a person than I ever thought I could and I still have a ways to go. I need to focus my views on being more positive since the stress is holding me back. I got myself into a very scared spot a couple months ago and its been a fight to get back out. But every step forward is just that. A journey is made up of millions of steps right? I dwell and worry way too much and need to remember that there is so much more to life and my life than all of this. Thank you for reminding me!
    Good luck with Provera. I did not respond earlier this year but was still a low weight and worked out 6 days a week!

    • Mallory October 8, 2012 at 8:47 am #

      Thank you Lindsey!! Nothing good in life ever comes easy right?! 🙂

  2. venusnoorleila September 25, 2012 at 11:41 am #

    Hello Mallory!
    Thanks for this post! You obviously have a strength of spirit ~ it shows, in even the small amount of words that I have read here. It’s true isn’t it, that when too much focus is placed on something, that it fails to sprout? What if going about life with the joy of gratitude will open up even more for you? 🙂 Who knows!!! Power to you, lady!

    • Mallory October 8, 2012 at 8:47 am #

      Thank you!! Its nice to have some inspiring encouragement 🙂 🙂

      • venusnoorleila October 8, 2012 at 5:51 pm #

        For sure lady! 🙂 What else is possible for you?! 🙂

      • Mallory October 12, 2012 at 12:44 pm #

        def! 🙂

  3. Priscilla September 26, 2012 at 10:08 am #

    Reading this post brought tears to my eyes because it reminded me of your first day of this past cycle…You had so much hope and were absolutely at peace with everything. I had just as much hope that this last cycle would be “the one” for you! When it wasn’t working out, I wanted nothing more than to be there to hug you and tell you that everything was gonna be ok 😉 You are a very strong and driven person…you WILL get through this and yes you’re 40 days closer!! One day you’ll look back and this will all just be a distant memory, but until then, hang on to the things in your life that bring you peace and happiness. You’ll never be able to turn off that desire to be a mom until it’s met, but you can chose to focus on what you do have and know that you’ve done an amazing job at getting to this place! I am so proud of you and lucky to call you one of my dearest friends…love ya Mal ❤

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