Inner Beauty

23 Oct

Yesterday I put on a pair of jeans and realized they no longer fit, my very last pair that use to fit. This always brings me back to reality of what I usually am pretty good at ignoring but it’s the fact that I am indeed gaining weight. The ultimate goal is so worth it but my previous thinking still haunts me and today is one of those days.

I really believe that inner beauty is something that shines through the outside and truly is what beauty is all about but it’s also hard to have self-confidence and self-esteem when you don’t love yourself on the outside as well.

Some of this has to do with my own feelings towards myself and some of it has to do with this big invisible elephant I carry around with me and how others perceive my weight gain.

A year ago I was constantly running, eating healthy, and that was mostly what I talked about. Since my HA is being kept as a secret from still some close friends and family, as soon as I start thinking about how people are probably noticing my weight gain, I start doubting and feeling as if I’ve failed because I am not gaining the weight for the reasons they might think I am and that affects me and the way I perceive myself.

My feelings and upsets today are mostly vanity reasons and I feel awful for thinking that as I truly do consider every pound as part of me becoming a good mother to my future baby by building a nice nest for it but it doesn’t make gaining the weight I worked so hard to lose any easier.

I’m not sure how to get rid of these inner voices that are always fighting back and forth between gaining and still holding onto what I once had but if I can continue to ignore them and push them out of the way, I can maybe start loving myself again for all of the beauty I have on the inside AND the things I love about myself on the outside.

I have so much more to offer than how many miles I can run or how many pounds I can lose. I like to think I am fun to hang out with, I laugh at silly jokes, I am kind and I care a lot, I am creative, I am intelligent, and I am all of these things no matter what the number on the scale says. Some day I hope I can add being a great mother to that list and the only way I will get there is if I continue to let myself heal and let go of the what once was and make good with the now.

Because of my HA recovery, I have more hair on my head, all of my toenails attached, I can kneel down to my nephew without getting tears in my eyes, my fingernails are growing and are stronger, I have curves again and most importantly, my body is no longer fighting for it’s survival. It’s healing and trying to work again. My body from the inside is healthier than it’s ever been and if that means adding some padding on the outside and people notice it, well heck, does it really even matter?? Nope, not one bit. Because it’s my life and our goal to have a family and this is the only way I can do it well then so be it.

Sometimes being healthy is just simply about loving yourself and that is my next big goal. Focusing on loving myself, inside and out.


17 Responses to “Inner Beauty”

  1. Kara D October 23, 2012 at 1:31 pm #

    I completely understand how you feel. It’s so difficult gaining the weight and having to wear a larger size. Now I am starting to notice the weight gain in the mirror – not just through my clothes fitting tighter! I wish it were easier, but as you said the ultimate goal is worth it.

    • Mallory October 24, 2012 at 7:47 pm #

      Kara, Thanks for checking out my blog!! You are so right, it’s not too awful to see it on the scale but its hard to see it in the mirror, I just have to try to see the new me as the mama Mallory not the childless Mallory because that’s what it is all there for no doubt 🙂

  2. Lindsey October 23, 2012 at 1:44 pm #

    I needed to read this today, thank you! I feel as if for the past 3 years I identified myself with eating super clean/healthy and running and now that its gone I feel lost. I even told my husband last night that people will think I am lazy – no more running and gaining weight… great. I am struggling to get rid of those thoughts too but its tough 🙂 I am hoping once I see the changes I will understand this process more.

    • Mallory October 24, 2012 at 7:46 pm #

      Thanks Lindsey!! I think it’s even harder because there is a fine line between being healthy and being too healthy and it’s hard to draw that line until it’s too late. You are doing everything right and you WILL see changes 🙂 Trust me! ❤

  3. Laura @ LauraLikesDesign October 24, 2012 at 3:31 pm #

    I love this perspective!

  4. Nico October 25, 2012 at 12:34 am #

    your last paragraph is right on! xoxox

    • Mallory October 25, 2012 at 9:37 pm #

      Thank you Nico! Blogging definitely allows me to think things out and usually by the end of a post I see how silly I’m being and understand the reality 🙂 Thank you for checking out my blog!! ❤

  5. Tara October 25, 2012 at 4:14 pm #

    I love this post!! Mal you ARE beautiful, caring, intelligent, funny, smart and so many more things and you will be a mom someday soon. Thank you for addressing this concern that many women (myself included) struggle with each day. Love ya!

    • Mallory October 25, 2012 at 9:39 pm #

      Oo Tara you are the sweetest! Thank you for always being such an encouraging, sweet, and positive influence in my life especially this past tough year! I am so glad I have ‘met’ friends like you, Priscilla, Nico, and the rest of the HA-ers. xoxo

  6. Linda Vasquez October 25, 2012 at 8:52 pm #

    Oh Mallory, you are so sweet and so smart!! Love you girl 🙂

    • Mallory October 25, 2012 at 9:32 pm #

      Thank you Linda and thank you for checking out my blog!!! You are so kind and I can’t wait to meet you! 🙂 ❤

      • Linda Vasquez October 25, 2012 at 10:28 pm #

        Ditto Mal :D!!!

  7. Chrissy October 25, 2012 at 9:17 pm #

    Mal beautiful post from a VERY beautiful woman, inside and out! Xoxo

    • Mallory October 25, 2012 at 9:28 pm #

      Aww Chrissy you are just the sweetest and a huge inspiration to me! Thank you friend! ❤

  8. jupiterstar October 26, 2012 at 5:34 pm #

    I meant to tell you how much I also love this post. Sometimes we all get down on ourselves, but I love how you were able to turn it around into something positive and share it with us all!

    • Mallory October 28, 2012 at 9:10 am #

      Thank you Lisa!! And thank you for always reading my blog 🙂 I also like keeping up with yours and how YOU are doing!!

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