Thinking Out Loud

27 Nov

Today I need to just type out my thoughts and feelings, both positive and negative, just to have some ‘blog’ therapy.

When I first got my cycle back in May after my battle with hypothalamic amenorrhea, I had thought the road would be so much easier from there on out. After two longer but ‘regular’ cycles, I trusted my body that things were going to work out. I was rudely awakened when the next cycle was longer than ever and after 40+ days I was prescribed Provera to induce a new cycle. Seven days later, I unknowingly (because it was so early) had a chance but my hormones dropped too soon and another cycle began. Now, 40+ days later…I continue to patiently wait for one single chance.

After many people have told me to give it all up, I have. I haven’t been waking up at 5 in the morning every day to take my temperature and chart my progress; I now only do it once a week. I have given up using every tool under the sun to tell me when my chance may be near. It’s very scary as that one chance is unpredictable now and my small 24 hour window may be missed but I am out of options.

On the other hand, it has also been refreshing. I have gotten more sleep and I think less about how many days have gone by without any changes, the disappointment is still there but it’s not constantly reminding me each day I wake up.

In the meantime, David and I have been exploring other options before my Doctor’s appointment next week. We have done our research and are preparing for what our next steps may be. I have also been fighting my own struggle by looking deep inside myself to decide if I am ready to ask for help.

I keep fighting this feeling inside me that if we need help, it’s me giving up on my body. Is it? Am I not having enough patience? Does that make me weak? If I continue to give it more time, will it happen on its own?  How long am I willing to let eventually or someday be?

We have now seen friends get pregnant and have their babies all while we are still fighting for a chance. But our chance has got to be out there no matter what road we take to get there, this will be behind us one day and we will forever cherish our little miracle. I am at a very healthy place in my life. This past year has made me grow up, realize what being a Mother means, realize what healthy means, and realize how bad we both want to be parents. Now it’s just a matter of what’s next?

So today, my update is vague. There really isn’t much of one. I have so much hope for next year and although it may not be an ideal road, I hope to see the sun someday soon!

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2 Responses to “Thinking Out Loud”

  1. priscilla November 27, 2012 at 1:39 pm #

    Glad you decided to post this, I’m sure it helps to get it all out. I hope you realize that if you choose to take meds it doesn’t mean that you are weak or giving up…you have done the hard work and now it’s just a matter of figuring out how to get to the end result. I have always had faith that you will someday hold your little one in your arms…you will get there, I promise! Love you lots and hang in there hun-xoxo

    • Mallory December 5, 2012 at 7:31 am #

      Definitely. And thank you Priscilla! It means the world how supportive you are with either road I chose and we will get there together, i just know it!

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