HA Update: First Clomid Cycle

12 Feb

January was not only the start of a new year trying for our own little baby but it also was the beginning of our treatment journey. After meeting with yet another new Dr., he felt that I would respond nicely to Clomid and it would up our chances from the very smidget of a chance each month to a normal cycling couple. I was very resistant in taking this road but I am glad I did. I have put in the work I needed to naturally by gaining weight and nourishing my body and I was ready for some help.

We were really hoping, with some Vegas luck, that this would be it. I think that’s why when I saw the first sign it was over, my hopes came crushing down on top of me. I never thought I would have gotten this upset as I have gone through this month after month but this time, I really thought we’d have our happy ending.

Starting fertility medicine brought me new found hope but it became real to me the past few days that that new hope isn’t a magic pill that is going to give us our baby. I need to remember this.

I am feeling all kinds of emotions right now and I want to apologize to those around me who I’ve taken it out on with my negative attitude and hopeless tone. I feel more than guilty for putting this burden on the ones I love around me but I am so thankful for the support system and unconditional love of my family and friends. I don’t know what I’d do without any of you and I love all of you very much.

This post will mark my closure to this last cycle and today I will begin my day with a fresh slate. As always, I am hoping for the best possible outcome but am thankful that I know I will respond and we will have a shot. It’s no longer up to us. We can only do what we know to do and it’s just that. The rest is up to a higher power whether that’s God, my guardian angel, fate, or just plain chance.

I have a Type A personality most definitely and whenever I struggled whether it be school or work or friendships or whatever, I would put my all into the next chance to make sure I succeeded. Dealing with infertility challenges that aspect of me which is what makes everything so much harder. I feel out of control, because I am, and I feel defeated…even though I know I’m not.

In order to pick myself up and move on I have to set some goals to change some things in my life so that I can still live my life.

  1. I will begin living for today. I’m done living for 2 weeks at a time. Constantly waiting, dreaming of what might be, and setting myself up for such devastation.
  2. Keep myself busy. Although I feel busy, I really do have a lot of down time without running in my life, I need to replace what that use to be for me. It’s been too long living without something to look forward to that I do solely for myself, something that helps clear my mind, body, and soul.
  3. Start loving myself. I’ve put a lot of blame on myself for what I am going through each month. I think that’s what makes it so hard in our struggle for baby. It is what it is. Yea, maybe if I would have taken better care of myself and been smarter when losing weight and running, I wouldn’t be in this position. But who’s to say I wouldn’t? Doesn’t everything happen for a reason? I need to stop saying this and really start believing in it.
  4. Find things I love to do and do them. I really love to cook, I love to blog, I love to be active and be outside (winter blues are kicking in), and I love to spend time with my family and friends. None of these compare to the relief I got when I was running but maybe all of these things combined will give me some moments to get my mind off of it all. An summer is always so much fun…and hopefully right around the corner?!
  5. Take care of myself. Make sure that I am getting plenty of sleep, meditation would be very beneficial (my Circle+Bloom is definitely getting pulled out this time around!), and maybe a scheduled relaxation night every week would be good. A warm bubble bath can definitely change the world!

Dealing with any kind of long term or temporary infertility is hard. It’s hard for all of the people involved. It’s hard for David and I, it’s hard for my loved ones who get put in the position to have to comfort, and it’s hard to remember what life was like before starting to try for a baby. I refuse to go on for another year feeling this way. I don’t expect to change overnight but I will find true, genuine, happiness again.

I also have to remember, I’m not alone. Although at times it may seem everyone gets pregnant as soon as they think about having a baby, there are a lot of people that it takes a lot more time for things to happen. Fortunately, so far in our journey we are still very early, but no matter how long you’ve been trying, each month can be very tolling.

There are a lot of resources that can help those going through infertility and those who know someone dealing with it, my favorite being: www.resolve.org.

Resolve speaks from the eyes of those enduring the pain of infertility and helps those understand how they are feeling and know that it is normal – and okay – to feel that way.

For Family & Friends of someone struggling with infertility:


For those struggling with infertility:


If you are dealing with infertility, how do you cope with unsuccessful cycles? 


12 Responses to “HA Update: First Clomid Cycle”

  1. Linda Vasquez February 12, 2013 at 7:53 am #

    Life is a struggle girl, I’ve always told P to keep her chin up and keep the faith and that goes for you too 🙂 It’ll happen when you least expect it! Love you!!
    Have a great day :D!!!!

    • Mallory February 13, 2013 at 7:30 pm #

      Aww Linda! Thank you for your sweet comment! You are 100% correct and I have to remember that things will definitely work out and all I can do is take it day by day 🙂 Plus I have some pretty amazing things to look forward to now! 🙂 🙂 hugs!!!!!!

  2. Priscilla February 12, 2013 at 8:09 am #

    Mal, as sad as I am to see this cycle come to a close I can’t be but so very proud of you at the same time! You put your fear aside and took the next step in your journey, put in the hard work and responded beautifully : ) I have and always will have total faith that your BFP is just around the corner…do your best to remember that and know that with each day it’ll bring you closer and closer to that moment! I have so much love and respect for you and promise to be here always, you are an amazing friend and can’t wait for you to be the amazing mother that I know you’ll be…your time will come my dear~xoxo

    • Mallory February 13, 2013 at 7:29 pm #

      P, you are so amazing. I am SO proud of you as well. I look up to you so much through this journey and couldn’t have asked for a better friend knowing the feelings, frustrations, and anxieties and always knowing exactly what to say/do to help ease that! Love you lots girl!!!!

  3. Lindsey Knudson February 12, 2013 at 8:09 am #

    Hang in there Mal! You have been such great support to me over these past few months so I am here for you now. Remember, tough times do not last but tough people do 🙂 I agree with Linda, keep you chin up! Stay positive I know all your hard work and patience will pay off. Thinking of you xoxox

    • Mallory February 13, 2013 at 7:28 pm #

      Thanks Linds!!!! You have helped me SO so much as well!!!! We will get each other through this no sweat! 😉 quite literally hehehe xoxo

  4. simone @ realgoodfood.net February 13, 2013 at 8:15 am #

    I can only imagine how hard this all is, but thanks for sharing and I think you are doing a great job. Hang in there, stay strong..in the end it will be all worth it!!

    • Mallory February 13, 2013 at 7:27 pm #

      Thanks Simone! It means a lot that I have some great “virtual” friends surrounding me as well! 🙂

  5. jessielovestorun February 14, 2013 at 2:45 am #

    Mallory, if you need to talk (I feel like were in similar situations), please e-mail me “jessiejoshua21@yahoo.com” ❤

    • Mallory February 19, 2013 at 7:29 pm #

      Thanks Jessie!!! I tried emailing you I think a few weeks ago…did it work?

  6. Happybaker February 18, 2013 at 3:22 pm #

    Mallory it will happen for you I am sure!

    • Mallory February 19, 2013 at 7:25 pm #

      Aww Thanks Helen! 🙂 ur are too sweet and your kind messages are so uplifting!!!

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