Fear of the unknown

21 Mar

I debated on if I wanted to write this on my blog or not but after lots of thinking about it, I decided if this is going to be a healthy living/infertility blog, I don’t want some things hidden especially if it can help someone else get through any fears, doubts, or worries.

A majority of my readers are struggling with hypothalamic amenorrhea or infertility in general and it’s a hard thing to go through but it’s even harder if you feel alone. With Facebook and so many bloggers getting pregnant and having babies, it really is hard to NOT feel like you are the only one who is struggling. I’m shouting out to all of you today, sharing my story, and hoping that your time spent here will reassure you that you are NOT alone and I am sending so much love and support out to all of you because I get it.

After a couple responded but failed medicated cycles, my Doctor wanted to do some further testing; just in case my HA was masking something bigger.

Unfortunately, now that I am categorized as an infertility patient, I am no longer covered by my insurance. That’s another whole post that I won’t boggle you down with right now but definitely something that I wish was different in the world.

Further testing happened yesterday when I had a hysterosalpingogram (HSG). An HSG is an x-ray test where they insert contrast to see if everything is clear and normal and look for any abnormalities.

I was pretty nervous for this test. I had no idea what to expect (except for the BIG mistake of Googling for experiences). It wasn’t pleasant but it was, I’m sure, less painful than labor so that’s the attitude I went in with. I was more or less nervous about finding out any bad news than the actual test.

I had to go to Radiology for the test and a nurse took me back to a very large room with some huge machines and monitors. The nerves kicked up a notch…

She explained what was going to happen and who was going to be in there with us. The nurse was amazing! She was so helpful, very comforting, and was like having a friend in there with me! She told me my Doctor would be down shortly and he would be conducting the test and she would be in there as well as a radiologist to run the x-ray machine.

My doctor came in and explained a few things to me and got started. I laid back and the nurse was very helpful with keeping me super comfortable and not exposed. My doctor went through what he was doing every step of the way. I haven’t decided if that was a good or bad thing. It kind of made me feel a little uneasy at times but it was nice to kind of know what to expect. As soon as I was ready for it to be over, it was done. And that was that!

It was uncomfortable with a little bit of pain but I was glad I took the phone nurse’s advice prior to my appointment about taking 800 mg of Ibuprofen an hour before.

My doctor seemed excited to give me great news that things looked normal! I think he saw the bricks being lifted off my shoulders one at a time as he went over my x-ray with me.

Worst part of it all was that I didn’t eat much beforehand, only a sandwich because my nerves got the best of me with a mix of more nerves, going through something uncomfortable like that, and then getting up too fast; I was told I could get dressed and almost immediately I felt light headed. I remember looking at myself in the mirror thinking, I can not pass out so I quickly got dressed and made it to the nurse who eased me into a chair and got me some water. My doctor made sure I was ok but continued on talking about next steps, next appointments, etc. and I imagine I looked like death because I could barely make out what he was saying to me.

After a good time resting in the room with the nurse after my doctor left, I felt my strength and vision come back and was able to leave.

It was a huge relief to know that any more obstacles I feared were now crossed of our list of possibilities and replaced with so much hope!

The fear of something unknown is one of the worst fears someone can have. I am definitely a worry wort and I have to try really hard NOT to think the worst case scenario (I am also a planner…those things set up the best climate to make someone stressed…) but eliminating these one by one is really helping me to continue to be positive and enjoy the present because I know that what we want in our future is possible.


14 Responses to “Fear of the unknown”

  1. maureenbreakingfree March 21, 2013 at 9:21 am #

    I’m so glad the test came out well!! Thanks for sharing your experience. There is a reader out there who needs to hear just this so you sharing it is a blessing for them! Keep the faith, girl! I know you’ll be announcing your baby blog news soon!

    • Mallory March 26, 2013 at 6:47 am #

      Thanks Maureen!!!! You are always so encouraging and some days it helps so much to read through these wonderful comments and feel empowered and stronger than what I may really feel! So thanks for always commenting and being so supportive!!!! big hugs!

  2. Priscilla March 21, 2013 at 10:04 am #

    I am so proud of you for continuing to stay strong and positive throughout this whole journey. I know I’ve told you this many times before, but I truly believe it from the bottom of my heart…You WILL be pregnant some day very soon!! As much as I wanted us to experience every step together, I’m still looking forward to being able to help you along the way 😉 You’re going to be an amazing mommy and not take your little miracle for granted b/c you know just how much of a miracle it is. As tough as this journey is, just know that it’s making you a stronger more patient person which are both great qualities to have as a mother. Here for you always and can’t wait till we get to celebrate your BFP!! ❤

    • Mallory March 26, 2013 at 6:46 am #

      Aww P! You always melt my heart when you write such sweet, positive things! I’ve learned so much patience from you it’s crazy how much I’ve grown in the past year because of all of this! I still have a long ways to go but I’ll get there 🙂 Love you lots!!!!

  3. Linda Vasquez March 21, 2013 at 10:43 am #

    Mal, I’m so happy and relieved for you. One less thing to worry about! I want to send you many happy and positive thoughts because you and David really deserve this and I feel confident that it will happen soon 🙂 love you girl!

    • Mallory March 26, 2013 at 6:44 am #

      Thanks Linda!!!! Gosh I miss you guys!!! 😦 I’d say come back to Iowa but it’s not any nicer right now than it was when you were here in November! 😦 I’ll be coming to visit though…most definitely! Thanks for reading along and for all of your love and support!!!!

  4. myneonrunningshoes March 21, 2013 at 11:58 am #

    You aren’t alone! It’s such a common struggle I think to be a planner/worrier! I think it’s a daily practice of just giving it to God. And knowing that His plan is the ultimate one even though it sucks waiting to find out what that is haha. Again, I so admire your honesty and courage. You’re in my prayers!!!

    • Mallory March 26, 2013 at 6:43 am #

      Thanks Elizabeth!!! You are so sweet! It is totally a daily practice of letting go of control and trusting that things will work out and having faith in that! You are so right and thank you for your continuous support and encouragement! You rock girl!

  5. olivetorun March 21, 2013 at 3:50 pm #

    Sending so many positive vibe your way… you’re amazing! Stay strong!!

    • Mallory March 26, 2013 at 6:42 am #

      Thanks Cori!!! 🙂 🙂

  6. Nico March 22, 2013 at 10:57 am #

    So glad you got the all clear 🙂

  7. Jcee March 23, 2013 at 3:45 am #

    Mal, thank-you soo much for sharing so openly – it is so helpful to know we are not alone in this journey. You are so incredibly brave and strong, and I have such a sense that your bfp is soo (frustratingly) close!! You will be an awesome Momma, and I can’t wait to be reading all about that next chapter of your life.

    • Mallory March 26, 2013 at 6:41 am #

      Thank you so much for reading along and for all of your support Judith! One thing that makes this bittersweet is the amazing women like yourself who are so kind and selfless to care so much about others! We will get through this…big hugs girl! Thanks again!!!

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