Archive | July, 2013

Mount Everest

30 Jul

When I was a runner, I use to love running hills – they did not come easy for me! I am motivated by personal challenges and I loved the struggle of picking up one foot up and placing it in front of the other while trying to catch my breath and the mental battle I had with myself the whole way up. The sense of accomplishment I felt after reaching the top made me feel unstoppable.

I started this blog to spread awareness about HA. I was 6 months into our infertility journey and a few months after officially ‘recovering’ from HA. I wanted to spread the word that there is such a thing as overdoing ‘healthy’. I wanted to be a friend for other women who struggle with amenorrhea and the battle of gaining weight and resting their bodies when their minds and past lifestyles are fighting against them. Unfortunately, HA was only the start of my journey and over a year of full recovery from HA, we are still without a baby of our own and are now titled under unexplained infertility.

In the past 20 months, I have changed my lifestyle, my body, my hobbies, the blogs I read and the people I follow. I have been let down by the hope that my recovery from HA would cure all. I have been awakened by the reality of not being able to do this on our own. I have faced fertility treatments and all that comes with them; the frequent appointments, financial burden, and the emotional toll on both me and my husband. I have taken breaks, let go of the control, and fought with myself to not stress over such a stressful situation. I have learned way more about the human reproductive system than I ever imagined possible and have a good idea of chances, probabilities, and plain luck when it comes to making a baby. I have shamefully questioned my faith and His plan but always continue to turn to Him with lots of prayer. I have experienced genuine happiness for those around me who are pregnant or new mothers and each time hope that it will lessen my pain, envy, sadness, emptiness, and all of the guilt that follows. I have ‘hidden’ people in my social world in order to get through a normal Monday without tears. I have cried coming out of a baseline ultrasound appointment because an excited, newly expecting mom, with ultrasound pictures in hand, phoned her family to share the news while she was sitting next to me in the waiting room. I have broken down on the walk to my car after sharing the elevator on the way out of the hospital with a soon-to-be mom and dad who excitedly chatted about seeing their little one after being told in my appointment I would need more invasive fertility treatments. I have felt more pregnant than a pregnant woman many months only to see another one-lined pregnancy test. I have felt broken and hopeless; but I always manage to get through it because someday it will all be so worth it.

This is the reality of it. It’s a life changer in so many good and bad ways. These moments I listed above were moments that made me; mini-chapters in my life that will make me a better, stronger, and more compassionate woman. We are that 1 in 6 that is battling infertility because we were chosen to have a different story; a story of struggle, strength, and hopefully triumph and I refuse to let my story go to waste!

“I know this season seems like it will never end. I know. I feel the weight of “what if.” But this season has a purpose, a gloriously redeeming purpose, and holding it in and hiding behind pain and fear and shame defeats that divine purpose.” –Join the Movement blog post written by Amanda from aroyaldaughter.com

Share your stories, spread support, find comfort in knowing that you are not alone and know that what you are feeling is completely normal even when it feels so horrible – even writing this post, I feel guilty and shameful for recalling moments throughout my journey when I felt weak, moments that challenge me every day, moments that may be very minimal compared to what others may be going through or to what my future may hold.

Everyone has their mountains they must climb in their lives and I will forever be compassionate towards others who long for something in life that is eminently out of their control. Let’s climb these mountains…

Relaxing Weekend & New Blog Love

29 Jul

I really hate to say this but I am almost 80% ready for fall…we have had fall-like weather for a few days now and sweatshirts, blankets, and all things apple and pumpkin sound too fabulous to not dream about. Soon enough…

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This past weekend was pretty low-key. David and I went on a date night after a rough, busy, long week on Friday evening. David got some Goose Island Summerfest beer, I had a glass of Happy Camper wine, and we shared a margherita pizza outside.

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Afterwards, we went down the street where there was a live band along the river. It was really nice and we were home by 10! Saturday I spent the day with my nephews. We had so much fun watching all 3 Mighty Ducks movies while playing games, putting puzzles together, and having a nerf gun war.

On Saturday I was lucky enough to have a phone date with Jessie from jessieloves2run. We have emailed back and forth for a while now and share similar struggles, heartaches, frustrations, and it’s nice to just talk. Since Jessie lives all the way in Kuwait, we set up a phone date because sometimes emailing gets to be a drawn out process! I will admit; I am very naive when it comes to different cultures so I find the way people live very interesting and talking with Jessie always reminds me of how different cultures are around the world. Make sure to check out Jessie’s blog! She is full of positivity and inspiration while being very real about things.

Recently, I came across a blog that I wanted to share with all of you, especially those of you who are struggling with infertility or know someone close to you who is. Amanda at www.aroyaldaughter.com speaks so openly and honestly. When reading her posts I have never had so many “that’s how I feel, too” moments. She is raw, she doesn’t sugar coat, and she has a way of writing that makes you feel comforted and normal.

All of her posts about infertility are linked here. I can’t wait to keep digging and reading more posts about their journey so far and to come.

Living in the Present

16 Jul

Heyyy!!! I’m allliiiiveeeee!!!! Haha 😉 I know I’m not a very good blogger BUT for good reason – I’ve had to take a short break and just really try to live in the present, focus on making some summer memories and just soaking up the nice weather while trying to stay as relaxed and as happy as possible.

In the month since I last posted, I’ve been busy with wedding celebrations for my friends Nate and Stacy. It was so much fun helping Stacy with all of her stationary items for that day along with being by her side to celebrate and toast to their love. It was a beautiful day and I couldn’t be happier for them!

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I’ve also been hanging out with my nephews as much as possible! In July we celebrated a 5th birthday!…time goes wayy too fast!

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IMG_20130630_182626And some of the following…

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Look at those very worn out Saucony’s…time for a new pair!

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A delicious greek salad at a local restaurant…that’s fried feta cheese…I’ve been craving these since I finished the last bite!

Morning walks with my Mom

Morning walks with my Mom

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It was too hot in the house to do my Blogilates so the yoga mat was taken out on the deck to do a little pilates. Like our new tiki torches? They are awesome at keeping the bugs away and have an awesome ambiance.

That’s about it!

On the future Baby B front…things were put on hold as we waited to give my body a break and see how things would go on my own – things didn’t really go good. So back to the doctor I went. I love my doctor. My appointment was 2 hours long (unfortunately that included a 40 minute wait in a waiting room filled with very pregnant women…) but regardless, my doctor spent so much time with me, was so thorough, and never rushed me. We have a new plan in place which I will touch on down the road but for now, I just wanted to pop over and say hello and share a little about what I’ve been up to and say I’m thinking of all of you and miss y’all! Hopefully I’ll be popping back more often!