Archive | October, 2013

7 Times Fast

24 Oct

Tonight I spent some quality time with Gizmo, my 8 year old Maltese.

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Today a close friend (and coworker) had to go through one of the toughest choices humans have to make; having a pet put to rest. After months of personal turmoil, it was made clear that she would have to say goodbye to not one but both of her elderly Huskies. I can’t even explain how much my heart hurts for her.

Dogs, and animals in general but I’m a total dog lover, make their way deep into your heart and snuggle in as part of who you are, as part of your family, and love you unconditionally. I will never understand why they are brought into our lives for such a short chapter but they are and they change your life – and just like people – you have to remember to appreciate every moment with them.

Every tear dropped, Gizmo notices and comforts me. Every laugh David or I have, Gizmo is there wagging his tail. Every night when I sleep, Gizmo lays against me like he’s telling me he will be there every morning when I wake up. Even as I type this, he lays by my feet making sure I know how much he needs me; and how much I need him.

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8 years ago, David and I went to look at a litter of puppies, the next week he surprised me with the exact one who reached out and picked us, he came into our lives when we definitely didn’t plan on having a dog (even just rereading this, I sound like I’m talking about a baby! haha – he is our baby!) but we had such a connection with this dog that it was impossible to ignore or pass up. Our friends tease us because while I was in high school and then out of town for college, David and I had split custody…David had him while I was gone away at school and on the weekends he stayed with me. I remember our wedding day and how happy I was that we would all be together for the first time and I know Gizmo wouldn’t have it any other way now that he’s got a taste of the spoiled, only child life!

I may not have known how much I’d need this 4 legged, brown beaded eyed, lover of walks, shoulder massages, and peanut butter, back then, but today, in the heartbreak of our infertility journey, I realize why he was put into our lives.

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This journey has made me feel so many emotions. It’s made me feel so much jealousy and guilt, it makes me feel angry and hateful, it makes me feel like a burden – which all results in me feeling disconnected with who I really am. Sometimes dogs can make that all go away without any words, without sympathy, without judgement. It’s amazing how pets show us every day that they are there for us in such a simple way; pure love. 

“A person can learn a lot from a dog, even a loopy one like ours. Marley taught me about living each day with unbridled exuberance and joy, about seizing the moment and following your heart. He taught me to appreciate the simple things-a walk in the woods, a fresh snowfall, a nap in a shaft of winter sunlight. And as he grew old and achy, he taught me about optimism in the face of adversity. Mostly, he taught me about friendship and selflessness and, above all else, unwavering loyalty.”
― John GroganMarley and Me: Life and Love With the World’s Worst Dog

Tonight I am going to bed cuddling him a little closer, letting him give me lots of kisses (even though I swear if there was an award for worst breath in the world he’d be proudly holding that gold medal around his neck), and soaking up all of the simple things in life.

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We love you G-Money!

My Life Soundtrack: October

23 Oct

As I said in the last post, I thought it’d be fun to highlight what’s playing in my world this fall! The music I listen to daily comes from whatever mood I’m in; whatever can put words to my feelings in the best way. Music is what keeps me positive, allows me to let tears fall, and dance circles around the house.

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My creativity has been doing some serious overtime in my head. I think it’s a lot about my desire to get my mind off of the things I can’t control and create beauty around me. Just check out my Pinterest Pins – I’m pretty sure one of these days all of the creative inspiration will cause me to literally burst!

I don’t consider myself an artist one bit, but I do enjoy designing for freelance, pushing myself creatively at work, and all things personal expression. Anyways, music is my inspiration…there’s something about sitting down at my computer and listening to new-to-me music while I work. Those are the things that I love, the things that bring me so much happiness and self-worth.

So here it is ladies and gents! 🙂

 

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This list isn’t really a good workout playlist but it is a good relaxation, yoga, or cooking in the kitchen playlist!

Iris is a classic song for me and my current ringtone for my phone…though sometimes it’s just a tad too quiet and I miss calls…

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Spotify is pretty awesome! You can listen to an unlimited amount of music, make playlists, listen to radio stations, and see what your friends are listening to. It’s by far the best music listening software out there and completely free (unless you pay to have it on a mobile device).

I’ve been loving this song…(there are hardly any words to this song, but their voices are so good!):

Screen shot 2013-10-23 at 8.58.50 PMMy Wednesday is just coming to an end…sweet dreams!

What songs are you loving right now?

 

Help Me Find It

22 Oct

I still remember that first month of officially trying for a baby like it was yesterday. I remember thinking so naively that I was pregnant. I remember going to the Dr., even after having negative tests at home, and thinking how awesome it would be for them to come in and tell me “You’re pregnant!” Unfortunately they didn’t.

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My Aunt was my nurse and I remember her giving me the news that the test was still negative and she gave me a big hug as I let out a few confused tears. Was there something wrong with me? I had no idea what was to come…no idea that I would still be here today.

Today though I really think that I am stronger; more patient. I am learning about myself every day. I am so not the person I was 2 years ago.

We have went through 7 months of fertility treatments and are currently on our final, 8th, treatment cycle… I have done 5 months on Clomid and 3 months on Femara with 4 IUIs. I am responding beautifully (or so they say), but our miracle baby hasn’t chosen us yet.

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The past few weeks, I have been searching for a way to come to terms with where I am and figure out the best way to go on. It’s scary to think of being off meds, going back to the unknown; the disappointment of things not going the way they should and the fear of how little of a chance we will have. At the same time, I am welcoming the break with open arms and new found hope.

Around the time we were told that this would be our last cycle like this, A Royal Daughter posted this post about how closed doors won’t stop miracles from happening and I realized that no matter if we have medical help or not, the chance is there and that chance isn’t up to us. I have gained a lot of peace based on her words.

Although I haven’t closed the door yet…I am protecting myself by realizing that door may close and I have to make sure my fingers aren’t getting slammed at the same time! (Like my analogy? haha)

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I am definitely not giving up, but I am approaching this journey differently, much differently, than I have in the past. Today, I am ok! Focusing on all the great things in my life has shown me that I am lucky and blessed, not cursed and punished. 

I absolutely love this song right now (along with SO many others! I may just need to do a post on my Spotify playlist…). I am open to every type of music and although I don’t typically listen to Christian music, this song puts exactly how I’m feeling into so many meaningful words.