Help Me Find It

22 Oct

I still remember that first month of officially trying for a baby like it was yesterday. I remember thinking so naively that I was pregnant. I remember going to the Dr., even after having negative tests at home, and thinking how awesome it would be for them to come in and tell me “You’re pregnant!” Unfortunately they didn’t.

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My Aunt was my nurse and I remember her giving me the news that the test was still negative and she gave me a big hug as I let out a few confused tears. Was there something wrong with me? I had no idea what was to come…no idea that I would still be here today.

Today though I really think that I am stronger; more patient. I am learning about myself every day. I am so not the person I was 2 years ago.

We have went through 7 months of fertility treatments and are currently on our final, 8th, treatment cycle… I have done 5 months on Clomid and 3 months on Femara with 4 IUIs. I am responding beautifully (or so they say), but our miracle baby hasn’t chosen us yet.

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The past few weeks, I have been searching for a way to come to terms with where I am and figure out the best way to go on. It’s scary to think of being off meds, going back to the unknown; the disappointment of things not going the way they should and the fear of how little of a chance we will have. At the same time, I am welcoming the break with open arms and new found hope.

Around the time we were told that this would be our last cycle like this, A Royal Daughter posted this post about how closed doors won’t stop miracles from happening and I realized that no matter if we have medical help or not, the chance is there and that chance isn’t up to us. I have gained a lot of peace based on her words.

Although I haven’t closed the door yet…I am protecting myself by realizing that door may close and I have to make sure my fingers aren’t getting slammed at the same time! (Like my analogy? haha)

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I am definitely not giving up, but I am approaching this journey differently, much differently, than I have in the past. Today, I am ok! Focusing on all the great things in my life has shown me that I am lucky and blessed, not cursed and punished. 

I absolutely love this song right now (along with SO many others! I may just need to do a post on my Spotify playlist…). I am open to every type of music and although I don’t typically listen to Christian music, this song puts exactly how I’m feeling into so many meaningful words.

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6 Responses to “Help Me Find It”

  1. rayola88 October 22, 2013 at 9:24 am #

    So beautiful to see love and acceptance around where you are, Mallory. And it is certainly a beautiful thought that your miracle baby will find you when the time is right. Your journey and courage is not for nought. You are just prepping your body and mind for a time if receptiveness and there is much hope to be had.
    I’ve had to put my own baby making plans on hold due to struggling with a very disruptive eating disorder. I, too, hope that miracles can occur outside of the box.
    Sending you much love and hope on your path.

    • Mallory October 22, 2013 at 10:02 am #

      Thank you for your sweet words!! I wish the best for your journey as you sound well on your way to doing what needs to be done to get yourself healthy and prepped for a healthy baby! I am sorry for your struggles but know that you will get through better and stronger than you were before! Sending lots of love to you! 🙂

  2. Priscilla October 22, 2013 at 6:22 pm #

    Just wanted to let you know that I’m so proud of the HUGE steps you’ve made over the last year and a half…you are a true inspiration and I’m so glad that I’m able to witness your grace in this journey. The day your baby finds you will be a day of great celebration!! Love ya lots girlie and thinking of you always~xoxo

    • Mallory October 24, 2013 at 9:02 pm #

      Thanks Priscilla! You’ve been a great friend through this all and are the TRUE inspiration with that baby of yours on the way (literally hopefully hehe)! I learned from the best regarding my grace and patience! 🙂 xo

  3. Amanda {A Royal Daughter} October 23, 2013 at 6:25 pm #

    OH Mallory, my heart hurts for you. Waiting is so hard, isn’t it. That song by Sidewalk Prophets has been a sort of anthem for me for a while – sometimes it is so hard to know if you’re suppose to move forward (take action) or wait, and it’s hard to know what is right!

    Praying for you tonight, for wisdom and patience, and comfort. And hoping your miracle baby picks you soon!

    • Mallory October 24, 2013 at 9:01 pm #

      Thank you Amanda! The waiting is the worst! I’m blessed to have a great support system and lots of love surrounding us during this time of waiting though! Thank you for your prayers!!!

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