Tag Archives: inner beauty

Inner Beauty

23 Oct

Yesterday I put on a pair of jeans and realized they no longer fit, my very last pair that use to fit. This always brings me back to reality of what I usually am pretty good at ignoring but it’s the fact that I am indeed gaining weight. The ultimate goal is so worth it but my previous thinking still haunts me and today is one of those days.

I really believe that inner beauty is something that shines through the outside and truly is what beauty is all about but it’s also hard to have self-confidence and self-esteem when you don’t love yourself on the outside as well.

Some of this has to do with my own feelings towards myself and some of it has to do with this big invisible elephant I carry around with me and how others perceive my weight gain.

A year ago I was constantly running, eating healthy, and that was mostly what I talked about. Since my HA is being kept as a secret from still some close friends and family, as soon as I start thinking about how people are probably noticing my weight gain, I start doubting and feeling as if I’ve failed because I am not gaining the weight for the reasons they might think I am and that affects me and the way I perceive myself.

My feelings and upsets today are mostly vanity reasons and I feel awful for thinking that as I truly do consider every pound as part of me becoming a good mother to my future baby by building a nice nest for it but it doesn’t make gaining the weight I worked so hard to lose any easier.

I’m not sure how to get rid of these inner voices that are always fighting back and forth between gaining and still holding onto what I once had but if I can continue to ignore them and push them out of the way, I can maybe start loving myself again for all of the beauty I have on the inside AND the things I love about myself on the outside.

I have so much more to offer than how many miles I can run or how many pounds I can lose. I like to think I am fun to hang out with, I laugh at silly jokes, I am kind and I care a lot, I am creative, I am intelligent, and I am all of these things no matter what the number on the scale says. Some day I hope I can add being a great mother to that list and the only way I will get there is if I continue to let myself heal and let go of the what once was and make good with the now.

Because of my HA recovery, I have more hair on my head, all of my toenails attached, I can kneel down to my nephew without getting tears in my eyes, my fingernails are growing and are stronger, I have curves again and most importantly, my body is no longer fighting for it’s survival. It’s healing and trying to work again. My body from the inside is healthier than it’s ever been and if that means adding some padding on the outside and people notice it, well heck, does it really even matter?? Nope, not one bit. Because it’s my life and our goal to have a family and this is the only way I can do it well then so be it.

Sometimes being healthy is just simply about loving yourself and that is my next big goal. Focusing on loving myself, inside and out.

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