Tag Archives: treatment

Fear of the unknown

21 Mar

I debated on if I wanted to write this on my blog or not but after lots of thinking about it, I decided if this is going to be a healthy living/infertility blog, I don’t want some things hidden especially if it can help someone else get through any fears, doubts, or worries.

A majority of my readers are struggling with hypothalamic amenorrhea or infertility in general and it’s a hard thing to go through but it’s even harder if you feel alone. With Facebook and so many bloggers getting pregnant and having babies, it really is hard to NOT feel like you are the only one who is struggling. I’m shouting out to all of you today, sharing my story, and hoping that your time spent here will reassure you that you are NOT alone and I am sending so much love and support out to all of you because I get it.

After a couple responded but failed medicated cycles, my Doctor wanted to do some further testing; just in case my HA was masking something bigger.

Unfortunately, now that I am categorized as an infertility patient, I am no longer covered by my insurance. That’s another whole post that I won’t boggle you down with right now but definitely something that I wish was different in the world.

Further testing happened yesterday when I had a hysterosalpingogram (HSG). An HSG is an x-ray test where they insert contrast to see if everything is clear and normal and look for any abnormalities.

I was pretty nervous for this test. I had no idea what to expect (except for the BIG mistake of Googling for experiences). It wasn’t pleasant but it was, I’m sure, less painful than labor so that’s the attitude I went in with. I was more or less nervous about finding out any bad news than the actual test.

I had to go to Radiology for the test and a nurse took me back to a very large room with some huge machines and monitors. The nerves kicked up a notch…

She explained what was going to happen and who was going to be in there with us. The nurse was amazing! She was so helpful, very comforting, and was like having a friend in there with me! She told me my Doctor would be down shortly and he would be conducting the test and she would be in there as well as a radiologist to run the x-ray machine.

My doctor came in and explained a few things to me and got started. I laid back and the nurse was very helpful with keeping me super comfortable and not exposed. My doctor went through what he was doing every step of the way. I haven’t decided if that was a good or bad thing. It kind of made me feel a little uneasy at times but it was nice to kind of know what to expect. As soon as I was ready for it to be over, it was done. And that was that!

It was uncomfortable with a little bit of pain but I was glad I took the phone nurse’s advice prior to my appointment about taking 800 mg of Ibuprofen an hour before.

My doctor seemed excited to give me great news that things looked normal! I think he saw the bricks being lifted off my shoulders one at a time as he went over my x-ray with me.

Worst part of it all was that I didn’t eat much beforehand, only a sandwich because my nerves got the best of me with a mix of more nerves, going through something uncomfortable like that, and then getting up too fast; I was told I could get dressed and almost immediately I felt light headed. I remember looking at myself in the mirror thinking, I can not pass out so I quickly got dressed and made it to the nurse who eased me into a chair and got me some water. My doctor made sure I was ok but continued on talking about next steps, next appointments, etc. and I imagine I looked like death because I could barely make out what he was saying to me.

After a good time resting in the room with the nurse after my doctor left, I felt my strength and vision come back and was able to leave.

It was a huge relief to know that any more obstacles I feared were now crossed of our list of possibilities and replaced with so much hope!

The fear of something unknown is one of the worst fears someone can have. I am definitely a worry wort and I have to try really hard NOT to think the worst case scenario (I am also a planner…those things set up the best climate to make someone stressed…) but eliminating these one by one is really helping me to continue to be positive and enjoy the present because I know that what we want in our future is possible.


HA Update: First Clomid Cycle

12 Feb

January was not only the start of a new year trying for our own little baby but it also was the beginning of our treatment journey. After meeting with yet another new Dr., he felt that I would respond nicely to Clomid and it would up our chances from the very smidget of a chance each month to a normal cycling couple. I was very resistant in taking this road but I am glad I did. I have put in the work I needed to naturally by gaining weight and nourishing my body and I was ready for some help.

We were really hoping, with some Vegas luck, that this would be it. I think that’s why when I saw the first sign it was over, my hopes came crushing down on top of me. I never thought I would have gotten this upset as I have gone through this month after month but this time, I really thought we’d have our happy ending.

Starting fertility medicine brought me new found hope but it became real to me the past few days that that new hope isn’t a magic pill that is going to give us our baby. I need to remember this.

I am feeling all kinds of emotions right now and I want to apologize to those around me who I’ve taken it out on with my negative attitude and hopeless tone. I feel more than guilty for putting this burden on the ones I love around me but I am so thankful for the support system and unconditional love of my family and friends. I don’t know what I’d do without any of you and I love all of you very much.

This post will mark my closure to this last cycle and today I will begin my day with a fresh slate. As always, I am hoping for the best possible outcome but am thankful that I know I will respond and we will have a shot. It’s no longer up to us. We can only do what we know to do and it’s just that. The rest is up to a higher power whether that’s God, my guardian angel, fate, or just plain chance.

I have a Type A personality most definitely and whenever I struggled whether it be school or work or friendships or whatever, I would put my all into the next chance to make sure I succeeded. Dealing with infertility challenges that aspect of me which is what makes everything so much harder. I feel out of control, because I am, and I feel defeated…even though I know I’m not.

In order to pick myself up and move on I have to set some goals to change some things in my life so that I can still live my life.

  1. I will begin living for today. I’m done living for 2 weeks at a time. Constantly waiting, dreaming of what might be, and setting myself up for such devastation.
  2. Keep myself busy. Although I feel busy, I really do have a lot of down time without running in my life, I need to replace what that use to be for me. It’s been too long living without something to look forward to that I do solely for myself, something that helps clear my mind, body, and soul.
  3. Start loving myself. I’ve put a lot of blame on myself for what I am going through each month. I think that’s what makes it so hard in our struggle for baby. It is what it is. Yea, maybe if I would have taken better care of myself and been smarter when losing weight and running, I wouldn’t be in this position. But who’s to say I wouldn’t? Doesn’t everything happen for a reason? I need to stop saying this and really start believing in it.
  4. Find things I love to do and do them. I really love to cook, I love to blog, I love to be active and be outside (winter blues are kicking in), and I love to spend time with my family and friends. None of these compare to the relief I got when I was running but maybe all of these things combined will give me some moments to get my mind off of it all. An summer is always so much fun…and hopefully right around the corner?!
  5. Take care of myself. Make sure that I am getting plenty of sleep, meditation would be very beneficial (my Circle+Bloom is definitely getting pulled out this time around!), and maybe a scheduled relaxation night every week would be good. A warm bubble bath can definitely change the world!

Dealing with any kind of long term or temporary infertility is hard. It’s hard for all of the people involved. It’s hard for David and I, it’s hard for my loved ones who get put in the position to have to comfort, and it’s hard to remember what life was like before starting to try for a baby. I refuse to go on for another year feeling this way. I don’t expect to change overnight but I will find true, genuine, happiness again.

I also have to remember, I’m not alone. Although at times it may seem everyone gets pregnant as soon as they think about having a baby, there are a lot of people that it takes a lot more time for things to happen. Fortunately, so far in our journey we are still very early, but no matter how long you’ve been trying, each month can be very tolling.

There are a lot of resources that can help those going through infertility and those who know someone dealing with it, my favorite being: www.resolve.org.

Resolve speaks from the eyes of those enduring the pain of infertility and helps those understand how they are feeling and know that it is normal – and okay – to feel that way.

For Family & Friends of someone struggling with infertility:


For those struggling with infertility:


If you are dealing with infertility, how do you cope with unsuccessful cycles?