Tag Archives: update

Break Time Update

30 Nov

I’ve been wanting to sit down and write an ‘update’ blog post for about a month now but I really just needed to emotionally and physically step away from all of it. 

There are a lot of hard things to deal with when it comes to infertility but one of the hardest is the end of a cycle. Every cycle, especially with treatments, our hopes were high that this one would work, this one would be our miracle. I lived so many 2 weeks fighting between wanting this one to be it and not wanting to be completely devastated all while being so in-tune with my body that every twinge, every dream, every ‘sign’ gave me renewed hope or a crashing feeling of sadness.

First real snowfall of the season!

First real snowfall of the season!

After we learned our 8th and final round was yet another let down, my Dr. told us we’d need to stop with treatments for 3 months and then regroup and decide what we want to do moving forward. We were both crushed (and unbelievably scared) but in a weird way; freed. We needed this break, a break from Drs, appointments, bills (ugh the bills), meds, the hope, the letdown, all of it! It was also another chance to see what my body would do on it’s own and take a few months to ‘not think about it & relax’ as that seems to be the magic treatment for so many lucky ones!

This past month, though, I have found joy again. I lost it somewhere along the way. Of course, each day is different. Some days are just plain tough. When you want something as bad as we do, no matter how much you try not to think about it – you are thinking about it. I’ve realized what things around me trigger those feelings and know that if I can’t handle overcoming it, a good cry followed by ice cream, chocolate, or wine does wonders! 😉

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So in the mean time, we continue to sit in-waiting. It’s really a strange feeling as I look back on the last 2 years and see how fast they have gone and I see how many lives around me have changed and how stuck that makes me feel but even though the circumstances in my life haven’t changed – I have. A lot. And I am very thankful for that!

I got my tree up a few weeks ago...I know, earliest ever for me and probably just made some eyes roll!

I got my tree up a few weeks ago…I know, probably just made some eyes roll!

Lately, I have been loving (loving!) yoga. I attend a class about once a week at a yoga studio in town and when I leave there I feel like I’ve been at a spa all day long! We also are looking SO forward to our big trip we have coming up and have been putting a lot of focus on the anticipation and excitement for that. Hockey is also keeping us plenty busy. And of course the holidays! I’m also attempting to teach myself how to hand-letter. 

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I hope everyone had a fabulous Thanksgiving with lots of love surrounding you, I know we did! If there is anything I am especially thankful for this year it’s the people and love I have in my life!

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Help Me Find It

22 Oct

I still remember that first month of officially trying for a baby like it was yesterday. I remember thinking so naively that I was pregnant. I remember going to the Dr., even after having negative tests at home, and thinking how awesome it would be for them to come in and tell me “You’re pregnant!” Unfortunately they didn’t.

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My Aunt was my nurse and I remember her giving me the news that the test was still negative and she gave me a big hug as I let out a few confused tears. Was there something wrong with me? I had no idea what was to come…no idea that I would still be here today.

Today though I really think that I am stronger; more patient. I am learning about myself every day. I am so not the person I was 2 years ago.

We have went through 7 months of fertility treatments and are currently on our final, 8th, treatment cycle… I have done 5 months on Clomid and 3 months on Femara with 4 IUIs. I am responding beautifully (or so they say), but our miracle baby hasn’t chosen us yet.

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The past few weeks, I have been searching for a way to come to terms with where I am and figure out the best way to go on. It’s scary to think of being off meds, going back to the unknown; the disappointment of things not going the way they should and the fear of how little of a chance we will have. At the same time, I am welcoming the break with open arms and new found hope.

Around the time we were told that this would be our last cycle like this, A Royal Daughter posted this post about how closed doors won’t stop miracles from happening and I realized that no matter if we have medical help or not, the chance is there and that chance isn’t up to us. I have gained a lot of peace based on her words.

Although I haven’t closed the door yet…I am protecting myself by realizing that door may close and I have to make sure my fingers aren’t getting slammed at the same time! (Like my analogy? haha)

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I am definitely not giving up, but I am approaching this journey differently, much differently, than I have in the past. Today, I am ok! Focusing on all the great things in my life has shown me that I am lucky and blessed, not cursed and punished. 

I absolutely love this song right now (along with SO many others! I may just need to do a post on my Spotify playlist…). I am open to every type of music and although I don’t typically listen to Christian music, this song puts exactly how I’m feeling into so many meaningful words.

Putting Trust in the Tomorrows

28 Aug

The blog, once again, has taken a seat on the backburner for me. To be honest, I almost deleted it…I’m glad a few close friends of mine talked me out of it because there are so many women out there that struggle with this very same thing in some way or another.

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I want to thank everyone out there who find/follow my blog and reach out to me through emails and comments. Building a support system is the first step in getting through this rough journey and there is nothing more uplifting to me than to know that I have helped someone out there get through even just one more day. I may not be very fast at responding back to your emails but I promise, I will!

At this point, I just keep praying and hoping every day that something will work. I trust my Doctor so much and have faith he will get us our baby some day but I go through so many ups and downs of hope and excitement to devastating letdowns that each time you’d think would get easier…

Ooo the dog's life...

Ooo the dog’s life…

Our first Femara (Letrozole) cycle with our first IUI (intrauterine insemination) didn’t work. Well it worked, perfectly actually, but the outcome was the same.

The decision to try IUI was a hard one for us and one I unfortunately saw coming but continued to drag my feet trying. The hard part about going through treatments is that you really never know what will work and what wont so it’s hard to let go of that hope that ‘this’ one will work and move on.

The waiting room table next to me. I go to an OB/GYN for now so infertility patients are right in the motherhood action

The waiting room table next to me. I go to an OB/GYN for now so infertility patients are right in the motherhood action

My Doctor, very much a numbers guy, laid out our percentages of chances each month depending on what we tried. The decision to try IUI was a decision that my Doctor felt necessary after reevaluating some of our tests and for a fairly ‘inexpensive’ (not really…but cheaper than some treatments that we could have up ahead of us) chance increaser, we felt it was worth it.

The hardest part of making this decision was letting go of how I always imagined creating a family. Fortunately with the medical advances, there is not one perfect way of creating a family and if this resulted in our baby, it would definitely NOT matter.

The other hard part was the constant appointments. Luckily, it was only for that first round because it really adds up – time off work, cost, and anxiety/stress. I had a baseline ultrasound to see what things looked like while not on medicine, a few weeks later, I went in for another ultrasound to check my progress.

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The next day I got a positive OPK, and I was instructed to call the Dr. to schedule our IUI for the following day. The IUI was a lot like my HSG. I had some mild pain, some cramping but overall, things went good! Afterwards I continued to say some prayers and David and I talked about whether our little girl would play hockey or not…hehe, even Doctor was in on that conversation!

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A week later I had some blood work done accompanied by a few signs that convinced me I was pregnant, including a dream that I actually got a positive pregnancy test (my first dream ever!)…a few days later, my dreams shattered down around me as I headed out the door to go for a walk with a friend.

From trying naturally for so long and to now having completed almost 6 months of infertility treatments, I’ve come to learn not to look ahead; yet it never fails, every time my Doctor and I talk, I ask about what could be next, but in all reality, you never know what will work or what tomorrow will bring and the thought of what’s to come only brings me extra anxiety.

The new seasonal s'mores blizzard is out of this world!

The new seasonal s’mores blizzard is out of this world!

What I do need to think about is all of the exciting things to come in my life! Our 3 year anniversary is just a few short weeks away and we will be celebrating in the fall at a house on one of the Great Lakes with a gorgeous view and our brown eyed pup alongside of us. (This year, we are trying something different in hopes no mice will be joining us!) At the end of this year, we will be traveling to visit a fellow HA survivor and soon to be mama, her hilarious husband, and their newborn boy with a trip to California followed by a short getaway just David and I to Mexico.

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David has wanted to go back to Mexico since we came back from our honeymoon and I am always saying no because well, what if I’m pregnant? Then it was the cost of treatments – but in all reality, the best thing for us is to go on a trip (right? That’s what everyone says! Hehe) so I told him to plan it, book it, and it’ll all work out.

Meet the new, spontaneous, carefree, go-with-the-flow Mallory!