Putting Trust in the Tomorrows

The blog, once again, has taken a seat on the backburner for me. To be honest, I almost deleted it…I’m glad a few close friends of mine talked me out of it because there are so many women out there that struggle with this very same thing in some way or another.

I want to thank everyone out there who find/follow my blog and reach out to me through emails and comments. Building a support system is the first step in getting through this rough journey and there is nothing more uplifting to me than to know that I have helped someone out there get through even just one more day. I may not be very fast at responding back to your emails but I promise, I will!

At this point, I just keep praying and hoping every day that something will work. I trust my Doctor so much and have faith he will get us our baby some day but I go through so many ups and downs of hope and excitement to devastating letdowns that each time you’d think would get easier…

Ooo the dog’s life…

Our first Femara (Letrozole) cycle with our first IUI (intrauterine insemination) didn’t work. Well it worked, perfectly actually, but the outcome was the same.

The decision to try IUI was a hard one for us and one I unfortunately saw coming but continued to drag my feet trying. The hard part about going through treatments is that you really never know what will work and what wont so it’s hard to let go of that hope that ‘this’ one will work and move on.

The waiting room table next to me. I go to an OB/GYN for now so infertility patients are right in the motherhood action

My Doctor, very much a numbers guy, laid out our percentages of chances each month depending on what we tried. The decision to try IUI was a decision that my Doctor felt necessary after reevaluating some of our tests and for a fairly ‘inexpensive’ (not really…but cheaper than some treatments that we could have up ahead of us) chance increaser, we felt it was worth it.

The hardest part of making this decision was letting go of how I always imagined creating a family. Fortunately with the medical advances, there is not one perfect way of creating a family and if this resulted in our baby, it would definitely NOT matter.

The other hard part was the constant appointments. Luckily, it was only for that first round because it really adds up – time off work, cost, and anxiety/stress. I had a baseline ultrasound to see what things looked like while not on medicine, a few weeks later, I went in for another ultrasound to check my progress.

The next day I got a positive OPK, and I was instructed to call the Dr. to schedule our IUI for the following day. The IUI was a lot like my HSG. I had some mild pain, some cramping but overall, things went good! Afterwards I continued to say some prayers and David and I talked about whether our little girl would play hockey or not…hehe, even Doctor was in on that conversation!

A week later I had some blood work done accompanied by a few signs that convinced me I was pregnant, including a dream that I actually got a positive pregnancy test (my first dream ever!)…a few days later, my dreams shattered down around me as I headed out the door to go for a walk with a friend.

From trying naturally for so long and to now having completed almost 6 months of infertility treatments, I’ve come to learn not to look ahead; yet it never fails, every time my Doctor and I talk, I ask about what could be next, but in all reality, you never know what will work or what tomorrow will bring and the thought of what’s to come only brings me extra anxiety.

The new seasonal s’mores blizzard is out of this world!

What I do need to think about is all of the exciting things to come in my life! Our 3 year anniversary is just a few short weeks away and we will be celebrating in the fall at a house on one of the Great Lakes with a gorgeous view and our brown eyed pup alongside of us. (This year, we are trying something different in hopes no mice will be joining us!) At the end of this year, we will be traveling to visit a fellow HA survivor and soon to be mama, her hilarious husband, and their newborn boy with a trip to California followed by a short getaway just David and I to Mexico.

David has wanted to go back to Mexico since we came back from our honeymoon and I am always saying no because well, what if I’m pregnant? Then it was the cost of treatments – but in all reality, the best thing for us is to go on a trip (right? That’s what everyone says! Hehe) so I told him to plan it, book it, and it’ll all work out.

Meet the new, spontaneous, carefree, go-with-the-flow Mallory!