The Window

Outside the rain runs down the, dirtied by months of ice and snow, window. The first rain always makes things so gloomy until the salted, filthy snow melts into the ground and the muddy, brown grass turns green again.

Gizmo is so over the dry winter static

Iowa winters in particular can be long and dreadful. The first snowfall is exciting and beautiful, but after the holidays are over, the frigid temperatures and constant snow starts to cloud over everyone – making it hard to remember the joys of summer and the times when happiness comes so easily.

Thankfully, no season in life lasts forever.  The winter season is slowly shifting towards spring; flowers, sun, and the comfort of warmer air. I look out that same window and see my reflection staring back.

I snap back into reality and realize that that reflection says it all.

Much like the weather, we (David and I) are in a season of waiting. A season that feels similar to a long, gloomy winter that never seems to end.

My hope has started to shift from wanting to experience the next season, to getting the most out of this one. I refuse to waste this time in our lives and have it be forever haunted by that deep pain at the bottom of my stomach that includes the broken pieces of so many hard days.

Time will continue to pass; and with no control from us, the snow will melt, and a new season will start

So why not play in the snow?

I am making a conscious effort to enjoy this life of mine; every second. I don’t think we can ever try too hard at living in the present, and unless we make that conscious effort to soak in each breath, we’ll go back to breathing just to live, not to really live. We are instinctively always making goals, plans, looking at the future, and trying to change, but what happens if we just stop trying so hard? Will the time we spend on worrying and planning be replaced with actually doing and maybe in the end, feeling happier, less stressed, and more successful at the things that really matter to us?

Isn’t that what life is about?

If (personally) I spend less time on Facebook, and more time on practicing yoga, will that make me happier? Yes. If I spend less time thinking about how to use my creativity, and more time using it, will that make me happier? Yes. If I spend less time worrying about when we will become parents, and more time trusting God will make it happen one way or another, will I feel comforted? Yes. If I spend less time worrying about what work needs to be done, and more time spent with my family, trying to be the best wife, daughter, sister, and aunt (and another niece/nephew on the way! Surprise!!!! 🙂 🙂 !!!!), will that make me happier? More than ever.

So why do we waste so much time on doing those things that don’t necessarily make us happier? Maybe we take all of the good things for granted by not fully being in the present? We are always one step ahead of ourselves.

This time, as I look out the window, I see the birds who have stuck out this long winter flying around and the trees that stood strong as ice and snow weighted them down for months, and the blue sky that hides behind the thick, gray cloud cover…

** Prepare for goosebumps**
I wrote this post earlier today, looking out this very same window (the window I talk about above)…hours upon hours after I finished writing this post, the rain picks up and a storm rolls in (remember it’s only February still, so any type of rain, especially a thunderstorm is really out of the ordinary!). After some time passes, the skies get a little brighter and I glance out the window just in time to catch this beautiful full rainbow which appeared just long enough for me to snap a picture, directly outside of that very same window I reflected about hours before. I immediately understood what I was being told by this symbol of hope. Everything is going to be ok. Every season, every storm; passes. 

I’m being looked after.

Our Second Opinion

A few weeks ago, we met our new Doctor. She is wonderful. (I’ll call her Dr. K) We both really liked her sympathetic, compassionate, and down-to-earth personality and felt comforted by her fresh take on things. She didn’t necessarily offer us new hope or good news but is interested in what’s going on instead of just pushing us towards more invasive treatments.

You could tell as I talked about our past years, that her heart broke for us. She felt like there is definitely something more going on and it’s worth looking into…literally…to see what is going on in there. I never had an issue with my old Doctor. He was always very knowledgeable and proactive –and I liked that. But when things weren’t working and we were at a dead end, we decided it was best to have a set of fresh eyes on our situation.

I have had suspicions of something called endometriosis for about a year now and when I brought it up to my old Doctor he sort of shrugged it off saying I didn’t have enough symptoms to check for it. The only real way of diagnosing endometriosis is to have laparoscopic surgery.

Dr. K felt like with a history of abnormally painful periods and infertility, even with pursuing treatments, that it’s worth it to do the surgery, and she felt it was a good next step for us.

So we decided to go forward with the laparoscopic surgery. I will be having the procedure in the beginning of March. And praying for good news or at the very least, some answers.

They will make a small incision at the bottom of my belly button and possibly 2 more incisions in my lower abdomen and will insert a scope so they can check for any implants/scarring/anything abnormal that shouldn’t be there or may be causing our infertility. If there is anything that they can clean/burn off, they will at that time. While they are in there, they will also be pushing dye through my tubes again (much like the HSG but I will be out), to make sure they are still clear.

I am thankful for answers one way or another.

I really feel like my heart has opened up throughout this journey. I really feel like God is in there doing His thing, making room for more love to share than I could have ever imagined. Sure, bad days (sometimes really bad days) come and go – but who doesn’t have bad days? I am learning to lean into those days, feel that pain (it’s ok to feel it), deal with it (it’s ok to cry and feel angry and hurt), and remember that a day is one small second in our lives, this too shall pass (though hopefully sooner rather than later) and I will look back on this journey and see our lives, our marriage, our selves, our pain, our reasonings, and our hearts, changed. Improved.

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Anyone going through infertility – it’s plain hard. I haven’t posted on the bad days in a while…but my outlook isn’t always as hopeful as it may seem, and my good days, my hopeful posts, are the results of those bad days. I typically don’t post on the bad days, the really bad days, because that’s the time I really struggle to make sense of it all. That process of sorting it all out has become very personal to me. Unfortunately, those bad days also bring a lot of guilt and shame…and that is ok. That is normal. All of us mothers in waiting go through those days (too many to count) and understand those feelings, I just wanted to remind all of you that this journey is real, we experience some very real emotions – some emotions we never have felt before, some we aren’t really sure how to deal with – but sometimes it’s about those bad days. Without those bad days, we wouldn’t grow, and God wouldn’t put anyone through this painful journey without a reason. I promise, trusting that there’s a reason to this is the only thing that will make it make sense.

I’ll keep you updated with hopefully good news in March!

Fresh Eyes

I rarely write these posts in WordPress; typically I type them up in Word and then copy and paste them into WordPress. The graphic designer in me generally takes about 5-10 minutes before even starting to write to pick a font…a font that won’t even be carried over to the web! But there is just something about typing in different fonts that I love…crazy creatives.

On top of that, it takes another 5-10 minutes just to pick my playlist to listen to! (No wonder I don’t post as often as I would like to! haha

So I’m getting a second opinion. I love my Dr., I really do and I don’t want to switch, but I think it’s time I have to. Maybe it won’t be for good but I need someone else with fresh eyes to look at my charts and not just throw the hope out the window on me.

Unfortunately, with modern medicine (which is definitely not a bad thing….but a bad ‘side effect’ I guess…) it’s so much easier and efficient to tell someone the only thing they can do is to move forward with more aggressive treatments, otherwise it will take a small miracle for us to have a baby of our own. But I’ve heard of miracles happening…

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I would honestly do crazy things to have a baby and for this chapter to end but there’s a feeling in my gut (maybe its denial) that my body is fixable. And maybe at some point this year, when we’ve saved more money and have come to terms with our next steps, we will take the doctor’s advice to move forward with treatment, but I need another doctor to tell me the same thing before I believe I’m unfixable.

I’m not sure what I’m hoping the new Dr. will tell me – maybe she has an answer for why my body is being the way it is instead of just telling me it’s unexplained? Maybe more tests or new blood work or maybe something was missed? Or maybe she will agree with my fate and recommend moving forward. Either way, I am looking forward to hopefully a new outlook or maybe even, if I’m lucky, some answers.

After I made the appointment, I wrote up 2 large notepad pieces of paper summarizing each month for the last 2 years (with a little history on the year when my HA developed) to take to her so I can remember everything. After having test after test done, no consistency in cycles, and random weird things happening – it’s a lot to remember on a whim. While I reflected back on my journey, I realized how far I’ve come emotionally to have handled all that I have and how strong David and I have been as a couple together. I’ve also realized how important our support system around us has been to get us through all of these ups and downs. It’s been quite the past few years…and though, at times, I feel like I’m nowhere further than I was 2 years ago – I know that emotionally, as a person, and a mother in waiting – I’ve come a long way.

In the meantime, I’ve been doing my own research on holistic approaches to regulating hormone imbalances. I added in some vitamins, am making some dietary changes, strengthening my Faith, and am working on my internal-self to de-stress, gain patience, and think positively – all in hopes my body will magically reset itself – or at the very least, make each day a little easier on me emotionally!